Am I A Person of Integrity?

As some know, I enjoy a position with my sorority (mentioned here, Alpha Kappa Mu Mu not being its real name), an organization for which I've volunteered my time almost since college. When confronted with people who are truly out saving the world and feeding the hungry, I admit that my volunteer service for this organization pales in comparison and leaves me feeling slightly inadequate. But this is an organization I like with fellow volunteers I respect and, employing the 'butterfly effect' justification, I believe it is just as worthy as any other non-profit organization out there.

Recently, I 'made myself available' for a position on our board of directors. (Social conventions being what they are in a sorority, one does not 'run for office' but makes herself available for service.) This was a difficult decision -- not only because of the time commitment and pressure often involved but because it made me ask, "do I have the integrity of a leader? Am I up for the job?"

Having integrity is hard. Anyone who thinks it isn't probably hasn't been in a difficult position where they've had to demonstrate it and been tempted to not. In my current professional role, I'm often in a leadership position where demonstrating integrity is part and parcel of my daily life -- but since I also work for a tightly monitored and regulated industry, demonstrating integrity isn't that hard because the only other possibility is to be fired for not demonstrating it. I suppose the other possibility is to simply game the system - plenty of others do - but personally I find that trying to trick others is more exhausting than simply being honest and doing the right thing.

Certain past situations weigh on me. They may seem laughable to others but to me they are times when I was tested and failed, when I allowed selfish motives and actions to hold sway over nobler behaviors -- when I intellectually knew better. There was that time in student government when I was 17, lost a re-election bid in the primary, and ungraciously wouldn't support one of my competitors (as I'd said I would) in his own re-election bid. There's that time when I 'switched' groups of friends because I met some people who seemed more fun (but turned out to be less loyal). I was elected to be the vice-president of an honors society for which I did absolutely nothing because (frankly) attending their meetings sucked the life out of me because they were so dull and I just stopped going. Sure, these examples are more than 10 years old but more recently I allowed myself to get pulled into an argument with my sister resulting in a totally unproductive two-year impasse. (Honestly, I'm willing to allow the impasse to be resolved whenever she wants to apologize -- telling me that I'm still just as stubborn and petty as she is and I have learned nothing.)

These are not examples of leading with integrity - these aren't examples of leading in any fashion. They're examples of effectively packing up my toys and taking them home because of something I don't like. It hurts my own sense of self to put it that way, but that's truth for you.

So with all this going against me, why would I open myself up to risk of graceless failure by 'making myself available' for a greater leadership role?

• I'm not that person any more. That sounds like a closing statement from a 12-step success story, but it's true. With every experience gained, a person changes, learns more, and becomes different. Hopefully I will not repeat these experiences because the variables have changed, hopefully I have changed.
• We're all learners. Every organization, every boss, every person would prefer flawlessness to flaws but anyone with sense will tell you we're all learners and learning brings with it the risk of errors. To learn, one must do which means being available for those opportunities.
• Recognition aids prevention. These past experiences, even years and years later, still bother me to the point where I will do my best to prevent them from happening again. In each one, I recognize opportunities I had to prevent the outcome: not taking things personally, recognizing the other person's perspective, not over-extending myself, not discarding the old in favor of the untried new. Here's hoping I can recognize the slippery slope next time to prevent the same outcome.

But, the number one reason for me to hope for a different outcome is that I want to be what others think I am. I want to be worthy of the good opinion of others as well as for people to think of me as a person with integrity, someone who is honest and who will do what is 'right' even when it's difficult. For others to think that, I need to be that and hopefully the self-imposed pressure will make it true.