Why I Hope My Kids Are Gay...And You Should, Too

Photo: Purple Sherbet Photography/
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Earlier today I was at the tire store getting a new set of four nearby a couple toddlers role playing a scene from Disney’s Frozen while their mother and granddad watched. I smiled at the mom.

“My kids love Frozen, too.”

“Yeah, my girls are crazy for it. They pretend to be princesses all the time.”

“That’s sweet. My boys are all about the songs. I swear they have the entire soundtrack memorized.”

“How old are your boys?”

“They’ll be 8 and 10 this summer.”

The granddad, a leathery guy from Malta, bustled in. “Boys? Watching a girly movie?”

“Eh, my kids like the music and sidekicks. They think the princesses are pretty.”

Granddad brushed his whiskers and shook his head. “You’re gonna make those boys gay. You don’t think it now. You think it’s okay but this is how it starts. My sister, she has a gay son and it started this way.”

I laughed. “I don’t think they’re gay but it wouldn’t really bother me.”

Granddad looked a little shocked. “Yeah? Gay kids? What’d you do with them? No good for families.”

And then my car was ready and the conversation ended. But it gave me something to think about. If my sons were gay, what would my reaction be to some of the common arguments?

It’s unnatural. You know what’s unnatural? Diet foods, Botox, airline travel, Twinkies, chewing gum, Red Bull, and John Travolta’s hairline. But who cares?

Doesn’t gay sex freak you out? Do you really want someone doing that to your son? Here’s the deal: To the best of my knowledge, none of my siblings and neither of my parents have ever had sex. None of my nieces and nephews have ever had sex. In fact, I’m pretty sure you have never had sex and neither have I. And even if we all have had sex, we don’t need to talk about it. So, no, gay sex doesn’t freak me out…because I don’t think about my boys ever having it. Just like I also don’t want to know about their straight sex.

Aren’t you worried they’ll get HIV? No. See above. They won’t be having sex.

But…don’t you want to see him married to a nice girl someday? Can I be honest for a second? I’m a deeply selfish person and I frigging adore my sons. I want them to love me as much as I love them. Not in a Norman Bates or Oedipus Rex way but in truly caring, companionable, friendship way. Now, if it turns out that they disappoint me and they’re straight, I’ll be nice to my future daughters-in-law and welcome them happily (as long as she treats my boys right) but if I could get sons-in-law who are already disposed to liking mamas, I’ve multiplied the “I love mommy” factor by two.

Gay men are so bitchy and they all know each other. Girlfriend, have you been to the nail salon recently? Quicker than you can snap your fingers thrice you’ll immediately note there is snootiness everywhere. And if they all know each other, even better! I lived in the same neighborhood for 8 years and only knew by name one of my neighbors. Maybe my gay sons will manage my social schedule for me and help me get out and about in my old age.

Gay men drink so much! Finally I’ll have someone to keep me company in my old age while I’m sipping cocktails wearing my Vera Bradley mumu at the local VFW.

Gay men are fashion crazy. Oh, Bettie, I sure hope so! There’s only one thing I like about shopping: Walking fast in a climate-controlled building on super hot or super cold days. I derive little pleasure in shopping and none in trying on clothes. My dream is to give someone my credit card with instructions on a budget and let them just pick my clothes that are appropriate to my age, shape, and taste. That’s right, sons. I want to give you my credit card!

Gay men can’t have kids so you’ll never be a grandmother. Hetero, please! First, it is the twenty-teens and a gay man certainly can have a child. But who cares? I’m not the grandmotherly type. If I want little drooling creatures around, I’ll have a second family or get a puppy.

All in all, I can’t think of a single negative in having gay children. In fact, is there any better time to be born that way?

I honestly, truly, and sincerely do not care if my sons are gay. And if it turns out that your sibling/child/parent/friend is, you shouldn’t care either. All a person should want for their loved one is health and happiness. And, in my case, if a son finds that special someone and that special someone happens to be of the same gender, great. And if not, well…maybe I’ll get a gay grandson out of my future daughter-in-law.